it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
