I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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