They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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