We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
