after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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