I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
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