you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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