I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
