Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
