so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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