I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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