hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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