I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
