Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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