I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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