His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
