My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
