i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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