i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I want to make a zoo with you.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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