from now on my penis is your penis
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
