Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
