The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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