At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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