I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Randomize
