CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
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