Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
