Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
