just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
