Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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