I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Barsexuality is the new black.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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