We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
