I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
