I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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