apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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