I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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