At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
