My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
