She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
