if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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