The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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