my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
