I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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