bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
