Dual....:-)
Yo dont text me then not text me
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
