Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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