i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
