What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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