Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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