i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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