I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
