he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
