our cab driver is having phone sex.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
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